Being Alone

 Growing up in my teenage years I had this sudden urge to stay alone. I preferred silence over conversation, loneliness over a small chit-chat and complete isolation over any kind of socialisation. I preferred my own company to anyone else. I liked doing nothing but to stare in the ceiling than sitting with my own sister. I ate meals alone in my room. I made excuses to avoid going to any social gathering. Even Bhaiphota or Saraswati Puja started to feel like a nuisance. I started telling myself that I don't like the crowd. But it was just a false assurance to relieve myself from the worries about all these sudden changes happening inside me.

I had no friends. And to survive I surrounded myself with books and movies. I barely spoke with anyone and was somewhat content with my own company. I had a complicated relationship with my home and isolation seemed like the only viable solution to stay sane. I forgot my problems my submerging myself in literature and mindless scrolling for years. During this time I developed anxiety and insomnia. But back then I did not know the term. I just knew my heart gets really fast sometimes leaving me in sweat and I have difficulty in falling asleep.

This is where I loose my words. All those years passed in a haze. Not knowing what really happened with me or what I wanted. Till now, I tend to turn my face from them. I crave for a normal life, without knowing what normal actually feels like. How will you explain to someone what it feels like to see with a clear glass, when all their life their glasses were cracked into a thousand pieces.

This continued for several years. Ghosting my own family and friends, I became so lonely in life that everyone, including me, started thinking that this is what I prefer to be. Eventually there was no one left to turn to or anyone who will call to check up on me. For a short time I even liked it. I did not have to think for excuses anymore. I did not have to go to any unwanted conversation anymore. I could just stay in my room and procrastinate and overthink about every aspect of my life. The wall that I once started to build to protect myself, I became its prisoner. Now the silence did not give me the pleasure as earlier. I hated the silence. I hated the absence of noise. I even started to hate my own sound of breathing. Now the circle was complete. There is silence everywhere now. Like an island there is a sea of silence all around me. And nothing else for miles and miles from me. Finally I am alone. I feel lonely. And being lonely does not make me happy. Loneliness has taught me that being alone does not mean that you have to be lonely. You can be alone and still happy. You can be alone and still have friends who care for you.